I'm on the porch as I write, where it's a beautiful 68 degrees. This spot gets only a narrow band of sunshine in early spring but after the summer solstice that band will rapidly expand northward. By late fall it will fill the porch with sunshine, and on December 21st it will be through the sliding doors and up against my desk.

Despite the limited sunshine the potted plants are doing surprisingly well. Even the geraniums, which admittedly are a bit leggy, are blooming now, on this second day of June. This unusually warm spring is a little worrying, but it's hard not to be appreciative. 

Maybe because it's spring, or maybe because it just needed doing, I've been spending part of each day cleaning and organizing cupboards and drawers. It always feels good to get rid of clutter and sweep away the detritus that floats in when no one's looking. Because Ray needed a lot of my attention when we moved in I put things away hurriedly and belongings still turn up in odd places. Yesterday I found the silver wine cooler in the spare bathroom, tucked away in the cabinet behind a supply of Costco toilet paper and miscellaneous bottles of old shampoo and cleaning supplies. 

One of my chores has been to collect all Ray's cycling gear, from jerseys and rain jackets to inner tubes and tools. I washed and folded the clothes and managed to get everything else in a box or a bag, and Jennifer will be picking it up, along with his bike, this evening. 

I thought this would be a painful exercise but in fact it's only made me a little sad. Mostly, I think, because Ray was insistent that when we no longer wanted or needed a thing it be offered elsewhere, even if well worn, because "somebody can use this." And I know he wouldn't want his beloved bicycle stuck in a storage closet on a sunny day like this one.

It also helps that there will be a lot more room in the storage closet. 

An email from my Norwich, England friend bemoans Trump's upcoming visit, along with his praise for Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson. She is as distraught over conditions in Great Britain as we are about Trump's norm busting and law breaking, and our emails tend to mutual consolation when not relaying outrage. Personally, I'm looking forward to Britain's anti-Trump protests and the hovering Trump Baby balloon that has been given permission to fly over London. Humor works. Sometimes its the only option. 

It's the how of it

As I slowly emerge from my grief cocoon I've been asking myself a lot of questions. Move or remodel? Travel or no? Take a class or save my money? Stretch myself or stay in my comfort zone? And what do I want to be when I grow up?

We ask that question of children all the time, but thinking about it now makes me wonder if it isn't the wrong question. Maybe we should be asking How do you want to be? That's a much more difficult question, of course, and maybe a child couldn't answer. But at my age I should know. How do I want to be in the world?

The difference between what and how seems clear to me. The what question requires us to think in concrete, material ways and the answers are necessarily the same: a fireman, a nurse, a soldier, a teacher. They are answers that put us into boxes, that force us to think about jobs or professions, and inevitably, income. They carry us smoothly into the material world. These answers describe what we want to busy ourselves with. But they don't tell us anything about how we want to be.

How moves us from materialism to what matters, whether you call it conscience, soul or simply values. To put it in the starkest of terms, do we want to be good or bad? Brave or fearful? Rule maker or rule breaker? Lover or hater? A help or a hindrance?

These are false dichotomies of course; people aren't just one way, we are many ways, points along many spectrums. Still, it's how we are being that matters, not the what box that materialism encourages

Sometimes we confuse what and how with who, who are we going to be? But who isn't important in the greater scheme. Who is ego, and while it feels good to have one's ego stroked occasionally, it never gets us where we need to be.

One of the ideas I have tried for years to live by is "change is good." Change is a pivot point. It can be excruciatingly painful or mildly inconvenient, but it's always a chance—or a demand—to rethink our path, to imagine how we might be.

For me right now this is personal. But as a country we're facing a collective pivot point. Instead of ignoring it, or grumbling all day, we need to see it as opportunity. We haven't had such a clear choice since the revolution. How do we want America to be in the world?

As with every pivot point a choice is demanded. Are we up to it?

This interesting world

In honor of Earth Day I'm reposting this piece from 2015 about Naomi Klein's book, This Changes Everything. If you haven't read it, consider this my second urgent request that you do so.

”May you live in interesting times," states the mythical Chinese curse, and without doubt we do. Until the last decade I thought living in interesting times would be fun and exciting. Now I'm not so sure. The world is changing so quickly that even the calmest among us feels agitated and anxious. Before we can catch up with the events of last week, they have spun into newer more complex versions of themselves. We are lost in a sea of uncertainty while the worries of tomorrow lay in wait.

This interesting world is one we created and must now take responsibility for. We must conquer frustration and impatience and our own ignorance and solve our problems, including the most pressing, climate change—before which all other problems fade to oblivion. What good are your devices if no network exists, if there is no food or fresh water, if your home is under water, if the Gulf Stream has quit streaming?

Naomi Klein is a Canadian writer who gave six years and a great deal of thought to the problem of global climate change, and I recommend her book, This Changes Everything. It's not an easy book, but you will be glad you read it. There is also a documentary film by the same name.

Klein's book reminds us in heart-wrenching ways that this interesting world, this beautiful, endlessly fascinating globe spinning through space, is our only home, and we must protect it with the same strength and energy we protect our children or ourselves. There are ways to do this if we act quickly and with collective strength, and her well-documented book is an excellent resource, a good place to start.

But what we also need to do, I think, in addition to marching and writing letters and donating money, and paddling kayaks in opposition to Shell, is to remind ourselves of our selves—or our souls if you prefer. Our disconnect from Earth has grown slowly over time. Conveniences like electric light and steam generation; and coal, oil and gas, and now the digital revolution, enticed us away from Earth's natural pace and rhythm. But ever so gently, so that we hardly noticed how alienated—and destructive—we have become.

I am lucky to have easy access to the natural world and I have learned that if I pay attention it will speak to me. The caw of a raven, the sound of wind through the firs, the sudden bolt of a young deer, all work to bring me back to the present. Suddenly I am out of my head and back on the path, aware of the now. Nature is willing to help us if we only pay attention.

And while a charming landscape is helpful, it's not required. We can attend while sitting in front of our always captivating screens by simply remembering that we are alive; that we are in the world Now. We may not like where we are but what matters is that we acknowledge the moment, that fleeting moment that is gone before you can name it. Life and Earth are gifts, and acknowledging that, however briefly, serves us all.

(And I promise to be back on track soon. I've been working on a NEW BOOK and more is coming.)

A quick trip to California

Cousin Kay hugs an olive.

Cousin Kay hugs an olive.

I just returned from five days in northern California, visiting relatives with my daughter and granddaughter. We enjoyed ourselves despite the rain, and the darkness emanating from Washington. I had been dreading the release of Muller's report so it wasn't terribly surprising when Barr issued his "no obstruction" letter and Trump began crowing. I was lucky, however, to be surrounded by people who love me, so the punch in the gut was a little less painful.

The trip itself was typical of our family gatherings; lots of laugher, lots of stories, good food of course, and never enough time. My daughter Jennifer has a habit of searching out roadside attractions, so one day we visited the Penny Candy store in Live Oak, and on another the giant martini olive outside Corning, "the olive capitol of the world." This was after we went wine tasting at the New Clairvaux winery and before we saw Captain Marvel. I can recommend all but the candy store, which Jennifer and I found grim, with too many rules, but Melina found amazing. It all depends on your point of view.

The trip home was quick and easy and so was Lyft after I remembered to log into wifi and turn off airplane mode (Why isn't this damn phone working?) Eventually I made it home, to a hungry cat and a condo that could use some cleaning.

Trips like this are always welcome interruptions, and it was good to touch again the landscape that formed me. Curiously, I never miss it until I'm there. Back in Oregon I wonder if I could live there again, and decide the answer is no. Oregon is home. It's also about as far as one can get from DC. And that's a very good thing.

A bird in the now

It was snowing this morning when I looked out and saw a gray hummingbird perched atop a piece of garden art on the covered porch. I sat and watched it from the couch. It was perched, but constantly moving, its head bobbing up and down, back and forth. It stretched tall and shrank back. I wanted to get closer, to know what, exactly, it was doing, but I didn't want to disturb it. 

After about five minutes I went into the back room and dug out the binoculars. From there I had a good view so I leaned against the bookcase and stood staring for several more minutes. It must have had mites, or fleas, because it kept scratching, stretching its neck and twisting around to poke with its long beak at feathers on its stretched-out wings and tail. It would lift its tiny feet to scratch on one side, then the other; and like a yoga practitioner, come back to center for a moment of rest before repeating it all again.

I watched for a few minutes before returning to the couch. The bird was still there, doing the same things. Then I looked away for a moment and it was gone, flown into the snow that kept falling and falling but never sticking.

I briefly wondered if the bird was as sick of this weather and I am. No, the bird is content to simply sit and groom itself while watching the snow. Like most nonhumans  it lives only in the now, the very immediate now. Itch, scratch, rest, itch, scratch rest. No cursing the mites, no planning for the future or regretting the past. It is simply being a hummingbird right now. Just being.

And just as nature has done so many times for me, it took me into the same now as the bird; she scratching, me watching. Not thinking, not planning, not worrying about the snowy road I may have to drive this afternoon. Just watching.

It's so easy to get caught up in the drama of the day. But it's just as easy to glance out the window and enter the now. It only takes a minute.

Of crows and cable

The Comcast repairman was here again today. It was the third visit in as many months and though they all go away thinking it is fixed, I alone know the truth. It's not. In the two years I have had a TV I have gone through three cable boxes and at least four visits, plus online troubleshooting. It's good that I only use cable to watch the news, and better that news is also available on my iPad. Still, it's paid for in my condo fees and it should work. But I digress.

While Comcast was working away in the backroom I looked for something to do between conversations and fell back on Twitter—it's easily interruptible. The first tweet I saw took me to a short movie called The Overview Effect, astronauts talking about how their views of Earth and life changed after seeing our planet from space. I concluded that all humanity should do this.

That was immediately followed by The Atlantic magazine offering an article awkwardly titled Scientists are Totally Rethinking Animal Cognition. It's also referenced as "What the Crow Knows" and begins with a discussion of the Jainism belief that animals as well as humans should be protected from injury and violence.

Of course I like that idea and I thought briefly about becoming a Jainist but then I read that, among other things, they avoid cars because of possible damage to life and they avoid puddles because walking through one may hurt the microbes living there. While I heartedly subscribe to protecting all nature's creatures, becoming a Jainist doesn't feel practical—at least not in this life.

Finding these two pieces reminded me again how much I love and enjoy the natural world, and that we are perilously close to losing it. And the fact that my cable TV isn't working is pretty small potatoes.

It has been a year since Ray died (February 2) and I still miss him terribly. If he were alive today he would be on the condo board working to reduce the too bright outdoor lighting. I'm sure he'd also have opinions about Jainism, smart crows, and Comcast, but since he's unavailable I can't report them. But I am sure of one thing: he would say I watch too much news.

Blame January

The spacebar on my computer keeps sticking and I have to consciously remind myself at the end of each word to hit it hard. It's frustrating to write when every word runs into the next. It requires constant reversing and starting over when all I want is to move ahead. But moving is in vain; it's January.

We are at the beginning of a new and probably exciting year but at every turn I feel held back. Last week was a series of technical problems, one after the other, that halted all forward motion. Now it's the damn sticky space bar. And it's not as though I haven't tried to remedy it. I've shaken it, banged it on the desk, and taken an old toothbrush to its edges, all to no avail. I tried using the old laptop but it won't charge. Of course it's January, so there's that.

I wonder how much of this is me. Maybe I'm trying too hard, maybe I need to stop and just appreciate being alive. We so often forget how fortunate we are to wake up in the morning, and get up and go about our business. Even if we're hampered by pain or disability or a sticky spacebar, we're still alive. Even if I spend my day watching the cat sleep, I'm still alive. And I'm grateful for that. But I'm not satisfied; that requires progress. And progress is a reluctant participant in January.

As I write the nation is officially in its longest shutdown ever, with no end in sight. Do other nations shut down their governments? I don't think so. It used to not happen here. My father worked for the U.S. Forest Service all his adult life and he never worried about the government reneging on its bargain. But now isn't then, and it isn't progress either.

But at least we can blame January. January is cold, wet, unpredictable, and always a let-down. February is almost as bad—it's still winter—but at least it's only 28 days. And one can spend February looking forward to March when the early spring flowers bloom and the days are visibly brighter. That's progress.

January. Ugh.